


collateral beauty.

by commonemergency



Category: Dan Howell & Phil Lester - Fandom, Dan Howell - Fandom, Phan, Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil, dan howell/phil lester - Fandom
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, Fluff, M/M, Minor Character Death, Philosophy, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-11 09:28:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8974195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: When an old school friend dies, Dan and Phil travel to Wokingham to attend the funeral. A place that Dan used to go to as a child but never thought he'd go back to again, leaving him with sets of questions that he doesn't know can be answered. Or the one where Dan and Phil talk about religion and what they believe in.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic about religion and about family. I know nothing about Dan's family or what he believes in other than what he has posted online, so that is what I went off. I mean no disrespect to anyone, or claim to know anything other than my own knowledge about these certain topics. 
> 
> Trigger warnings: there's a minor death, alcohol but briefly, and religion talks.

**i.**

He didn’t know him very well, he just went to school with him and their parents were friends. He supposed that was all that can be spoken for on his end, yet he’s on a train to Wokingham and then he’ll go straight to church and leave the next morning. It’s a quick trip, and Dan won’t lie when he says that he’s a little nervous. It’s one of the reasons why Phil came with him. It was talked over the night before he booked his train, whether or not he wanted Phil to go, but in the end he decided that he didn’t want to go alone. They don’t talk very much on the train. Phil reads a book and Dan listens to music staring out the window that they fought over. They pass by the countryside, and it’s beautiful and eerie because the sun had decided to hide today of all days- England wasn’t always so bleak as it’s depicted, but today was hard on everyone, he supposed. 

“You alright?” Phil turns towards Dan who’s now nursing the cup of coffee, yet it’s cold, and it needs more sugar and maybe more milk, he just grabbed it because he needed to get up and walk and do something. Funerals make him uneasy, though he knows that’s normal, and it should make him feel a little uneasy. Someone died. 

“I’m fine,” Dan grabs his hand briefly, giving a gentle squeeze before letting go, and he can hear the conversations surrounding them, businessmen talk about finances and ways to build their company, old women discuss their grandchildren and the new books they’re reading, children cry because of boredom and siblings, and foreigners talk loudly saying how beautiful England is, but Dan doesn’t always see it. Perhaps he’s jaded for living here his entire life. He wanted to escape Wokingham because it didn’t hold anything for him anymore. 

“Okay,” Phil says after a beat. “Do you think we’ll get there in time to change into our suits?” Phil treads lightly, he can’t help it, no one can help it- when someone dies you never know how people will react to death. It’s better at night, when their guards are down, he thinks of talking to him then, for now, he gives Dan glances, his smiles are a little bit brighter during the calm of the storm. 

“I think so. We might have to change in the train station bathroom since my mum’s picking us up and we’re going straight to the church,” Dan feels detached and he doesn’t understand why he feels detached. He didn’t know the person very well- of course, he _knew_ him, but not in the way that other people knew him, not in the way that his parents knew him, or his brother, and he knows that somewhere along the line that must be his human empathy that aches for the family that lost their son and brother. 

It’s not too long before they arrive at Wokingham train station, they grab their luggage and file out of the station, and look for the bathroom where they change as fast as they can. Dan’s suit is nothing special, Phil helps him with his tie because Phil wanted to touch Dan, help him in any way that he could, even if he knew fully well that he could do it himself. Dan isn’t a basket-case, Phil knows this- he’s just… sad. Finishing up the last touches Phil taps Dan’s heart and then taps his own which makes Dan smile. His phone rings and it’s his mother asking him where he is, that they’ll be late if he doesn’t hurry up, and it’s the tone of voice he hadn’t missed. It’s disapproval wrapped in her own form of sadness he supposes. He sighs when he tells her that they’re on their way out and he gives Phil a look saying that it’ll be one of those days. Because if there were things that Dan got from his parents it’s his mother’s passive aggressiveness when things don’t go exactly her way. 

“It’ll be okay. We’ll be back home tomorrow.” Phil smiles at him and he doesn’t deserve the kind of smile that Phil is giving him. It’s warmth and promise, on such a cold and bleak day. 

The weather is horrible still when they meet his mother outside and into her car, his dad and Adrian will be meeting them at the church. The ride there is quiet, Dan is looking at all the places that he used to go to as a teen, and he thinks of Callum. When someone dies it’s like everything is suddenly filled with fragments of them. The grocery store, where he would pick up things at his mother’s request -- of course Dan never went with him to it, but he knows that must have happened, to the bike shop on Peach street because one time him, Dan, and a few friends had decided to race down the big hill and his tire flew off, at the time it was bad but it was pretty funny after the fact. When Dan had asked him at school how it went he said he took it to the bike shop. He wonders if the owner of the shop remembers Callum. 

Phil grabs Dan’s hand from the backseat of the car, and Dan doesn’t peel his eyes away from the window but he gives Phil’s hand a squeeze. Whenever he comes back home he’s not too touchy with Phil around his family, not because they don’t know, but because it’s special and it’s sacred and he doesn’t want his family’s negative feeling towards what Dan does to get in the way of anything- and Phil is a big part of Dan’s job and income, and he knows that his parents might feel some sort of silent resentment towards him or them- so he just doesn’t do anything, but this- the feeling of Phil’s warm palms in Dan’s is like a solid resting place to an unsteady heart.

“He was going to be a doctor,” his mother’s voice is scratchy, she shakes her head as making a point and Dan can feel his jaw clench and he gives Phil another squeeze as a reaction. Dan knows it’s for the best to not say anything, because if he says something it’ll be nasty and he has to be somber. 

By the time they make it to the church most of the parking spaces are full and people are waiting outside with umbrellas. Dan would make a joke about how this was his kind of place; where everyone is wearing black and staring lifelessly into the void, but he knows that it’s rude, but he wants to say it so he can laugh at something even if it’s painful, and he knows that it’s his way of coping, but he says nothing instead and gives Phil one last gentle squeeze and gets out of the car. He can see his brother and his father and they both nod to Dan and Phil and he sticks his hands in his pockets, shuffling to the doors of the church and he feels like he can’t breathe. He’s given a pamphlet with Callum’s face and he smiles at the picture. He hadn’t seen Callum in a while, but he remembers that smile- _and what a beautiful smile it was_ , he can hear someone else echo, speaking his thoughts, and for a brief moment it scares him, but he lets it go and finds a seat.

**ii.**

Dan remembers Sunday’s with his grandma, going to church was more of a chore for him, something he had to do every Sunday but it made his grandma happy so he didn’t complain much. Sitting through an hour long sermon was quite boring to him, but he tried to listen, and as he got older he started to listen a little bit more, but religion was something that he had decided at a fairly young age that wasn’t for him. His parents didn’t go to church, but if it got Dan out of the house for a couple hours then _hallelujah,_ he could hear them think. He wouldn’t lie when he thinks about how uncomfortable he was right now. There’s a pit of anxiety in his stomach being in this church, and it didn’t have to do with the fact that it was crowded, or that there was so much sorrow, he couldn’t put his finger on why- he just was. 

“It says here in the book of Job 1:21, _'Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.'_ "

Dan can hear a collective of _amens_ , and he can see Callum’s mother crying. 

“We may never understand why he died, but what I do know is that he is no longer hurting; he’s in the arms of the Lord now. May God bless the Davies family, and comfort you during this difficult time…” The pastor speaks empathy practiced over numerous funerals taken place in this church, this funeral is nothing new for him. People die and he’ll tell everyone that they’re with the Lord now, and that God needed another angel and how heaven there’s no tears or sorrow, and after a few words from the family, they’ll end it with a prayer. 

After a unison of amens people gather their things, wiping their tears with tissue and Dan gets up with his family and Phil and they walk out the door to the reception hall. Dan and Phil walk behind their parents and Dan can’t hold Phil’s hand in a church, it’s forbidden. He feels a small tinge of anger because of that. 

“I wish they served alcohol,” Dan mutters under his breath and Phil laughs quietly which makes Dan smile but he’s not joking. It would help him get pass the next hour that they’re here. There’s a buffet line with fruits and sandwiches and lemonade that Dan and Phil make it over to. They wait in the line and Dan can hear conversations being had, and he looks at Phil for a moment, it’s not a pleading look, but it’s a look and he doesn’t know why he’s acting like this. No one was against Dan but he felt like it. He can see people that he went to school with here and they keep looking at him and he knows that’s partially it. He grabs things off the buffet trays and quickly makes it outside and tries to find somewhere that’s somewhat secluded for him to sit and eat and be away from everyone. 

Phil finds him on the swings, there weren’t that many kids and they were busy eating anyway. The rain had stopped and it made the playset wet, Dan didn’t care. The sky was still gloomy but he didn’t really mind getting his ass wet on the swing. It was proving to be difficult trying to balance the small plate on his thighs and it not fall off. 

“We’re a little big for this, aren’t we?” Phil joins him on the swings, and Dan just wants to reach out and hold his hand, but there’s too many people. 

“I think so,” Dan smiles but it doesn’t catch his eye. 

They eat in silence, Dan swings lightly, but his feet drag, he wonders if this was the swing that Callum swung on when he was a child. He knew that they picked this church because it was the one that he grew up in before he moved to Liverpool. 

“I think when we get back home we should put the Christmas tree up,” Phil says conversationally, there’s a lightness in his voice, it’s not awkward but it’s casual, and tender, he’s walking around the subject he wants to talk about that they’ll inevitably talk about because they’re Dan and Phil and they always talk about these kind of things but normally it’s in the private of their own home, and in the dark, close to each other where if one’s heartbeat accelerates too much the other can be a steady strong hold for the other.

“Okay, Phil,” Dan nods his head, reaching out for a second to tug on Phil’s cuff. 

“I want to talk about God, but I’m afraid to here,” Dan eventually says quietly. 

Dan inhales and holds his breath for four seconds and slowly lets it out. He had a lot of things on his mind, he didn’t know how to articulate them to where it made sense to Phil. He didn’t even know what he was really feeling other than the fact that Callum was dead, and a bunch of his old schoolmates were here, some of them probably knew what Dan did, and he knows that there must have been a lot of questioning things. Who was the guy that came with Dan? Was that Phil? 

“When I was a kid, a kid died a couple houses down, I didn’t know them personally, but we went to the funeral out of support, they kept saying, ‘ _God needed another angel,_ ’ it’s so…” he is holding the napkin in his hand tightly, but he breathes again and releases it gently. “Annoying. It doesn’t make sense. I mean-” 

“I think it helps comfort them,” Phil says, a small shrug on his shoulders, he looks at Dan with curiosity- he knew that Dan was one to hold it all in until he couldn’t anymore -- but he had gotten better with age on how to express what he was feeling, but in wake of death, it seems that all logical options fly out the window. Phil understood that. 

“You know that though, Dan.” Because Dan wasn’t the kind of person to bash on people’s beliefs. Maybe a couple years ago when he didn’t know any better or really cared to look into other people’s beliefs other than his own, but he had always been a little self aware, growing up in a household that didn’t go to church but having somewhat religious grandparents he knew what it was like to a degree. 

His mother looks over to the swing sets and Dan briefly looks at her before huffing a little. 

“It’s not fair to his family. He has a little brother. It’s not fair. He was going to become a doctor,” he can hear his mother’s words echo in his voice. Dan knew now that the world was unfair, and though he didn’t always understand why, he had accepted it. 

“I’m looking at all these people who can laugh at memories, and smile, and pray and I wonder what it is that makes it easier. Because the belief in a god seems so…. Fragile.” This is often the questions that Dan would internalize but he feared that if he didn’t talk about it he’d explode. He didn’t get it. And he would admit that he didn’t get it. As a boy and only ever going to Easter service or some sort of Christmas Mass with his grandma he had thought that it was odd that people would congregate for a couple of hours and put their trust in something that seemed so flimsy. Though he doesn’t know any better, he had never actively tried to seek out religion for himself, he just knows that for him, he _can’t_ do that. He knows that he’s not some special snowflake, his views are something that are similar to someone else questioning if there is a God or gods, or what does it mean- why do we suffer? 

“So, everyone dies in the end. It’s- it’s inevitable. When Christians die they believe that they’ll go to Heaven- so, where’s the concrete proof in that?” It was a rhetorical question, it was too broad for Phil to answer, and Dan couldn’t wrap around the idea of when you die you go somewhere that’s supposedly last forever. Wouldn’t it get boring? Would Callum even like that? He knew that he couldn’t speak for him- he didn’t even know him that well, but it had been a long couple of weeks for Dan, whenever they finish a project he goes into a bit of a hibernation and there are the questions that keep him up at night of what to do- where to go. And even the darker ones wondering, what’s his legacy? 

“I mean I suppose that it’s comforting to know that there’s someone that can love me unconditionally even if I don’t know how to love or believe in it,” Dan was trying to rationalize something that couldn’t exactly be rationalized.  
When it came to religion it seemed black and white while Dan thought in grays. To love the Lord there were sets of rules to follow, but He’s supposed to love you unconditionally. 

“I’m not exactly following, Dan,” Phil picks at the strawberry leaves and the core that he hadn’t eaten, his fingers are stained by the last couple strawberries he ate and Dan just wants to hold his hand, not tug on his cuff. If Dan were to believe in something he wanted it to be acceptable to hold his boyfriend’s hand without the seconds of fear and making him let go. 

“I just... I just want to know- what’s the secret?” he waits a beat, pursuing his lips and shakes his head, shaking the question off as quickly as it came, “I’m kind of just… talking.” Dan sighs, kicking up his legs to try to swing. 

“I’m sorry he died Dan,” Phil says after minutes of silence. 

Dan looks up at the sky and feels another drop of rain. “Me too.”

**iii.**

They get home an hour later, the house is cold and Dan’s mother tells her husband to get the wood from the backyard to make a fire, Dan watches their dynamic they all made for themselves and Adrian is already upstairs in his bedroom. Dan and Phil grab their suitcase from the back of the car and bring it up to Dan’s old room where Phil closes the door behind them and then takes a deep breath. Phil grabs Dan’s hands which are cold, which is unusual because Dan is normally very warm. They look at each other for a long time before Phil closes the gap between them and kisses Dan with a tenderness. His thumb caresses Dan’s cheek, the rosy patch that he has come to love and adore. The kiss isn’t out of desperation but a declaration that they were good. Regardless of the world and how shitty is is- where people die for no reason, this was still good. 

Dan breaks the kiss to fold his arms around Phil and they stand there like that in the middle of Dan’s old bedroom that held a lot of memories, some sad, but happy, too. Funerals are meant for the living, Dan thinks in Phil’s warm embrace and he had always known that, but today solidified it. They’re supposed to be for the dead, to remember them, but really it was to make the people who go to funerals feel like their loss was just as important as the next person’s, which it was -- but _god_ , was it exhausting. 

They’re told to go to the store. They have to pick things up for the dinner his mother was cooking. Dan hasn’t driven a car since last year when he tried to drive down the street but it had been so long he’s afraid he’s forgotten. His dad is busy with the fire, Adrian is unreachable and his mother just doesn’t feel like making another trip, so it was down to Dan. He’s thankful that the closest store isn’t that far, but it doesn’t come with complications of Phil gripping the seat and Dan slamming on the breaks. He’s been Londonized, and he thinks of how he misses London terribly even though it’s been a few hours since they left. It was a weird thing, how much he missed London when he was away from it. Dan and Phil had established themselves in Manchester, and that city would always belong to them, but London was like an extension to Dan and he felt like he wasn’t all of himself when he was away from it. 

Dan makes a bad joke about death on the way to the store, Phil squeezes his hand letting him know that he knows that he doesn’t mean it because it hurts to face the truth. Dan takes it back mentally. He’s just sad. 

Dan buys what his mother requested and a bottle of vodka. 

**iv.**

Dinner is as awkward as it normally is when Dan comes back from London. He wonders if there will ever be a bridge where they can all meet in the middle, maybe work things out and be a proper family. His parents are busy people, Dan can remember most of his childhood being spent at his grandmother’s house. He didn’t mind that though, he had a good relationship with his grandparents, they tried their best. 

After long silences and mindless chat Dan and Phil clean everyone’s plates, and Dan can hear his brother go to his room, and he can hear his mother and father turning the television on, like they didn’t all just go to a funeral together. Yet, _such is life_ , this is how it is when someone dies. You go back to your normal routines and it made Dan feel a little queasy. Perhaps he felt too much, and he said too little, but he couldn’t understand how they could just let all of it go, of course it wasn’t their kid who died, maybe they knew something that Dan didn’t but Dan couldn’t let it go. That was his friend, once upon a time. 

“Martyn and I would race each other to try and get the plates done as kids. Our mum would give us chocolates if we did a good job, so we made a game out of it; loser had to give up their chocolate to the other,” Phil says, grabbing another plate, scraping leftover food into the bin. 

“You must have been such a sad deprived chocolateless child then,” Dan smirks at Phil and laughs lightly, which makes Phil happy, he pokes a wet and soapy finger into Dan’s dimple which causes an immediate “ _ew_ ” sound from Dan and a jab to the side. 

“I won sometimes,” Phil laughs, nudging Dan. He smiles for a brief moment, and then they finish, going back up to Dan’s room which is quite depressing to look at now. The light is rather dim, since no one’s bothered to really change it, and all of his clothes other than things that don’t fit him anymore are gone. They sit on the bed and Dan grabs the bottle of vodka he had placed under his pillow which had reminded him of being a teenager and sneaking alcohol that his older friends would buy him. 

Untwisting the cap he takes a swig of the vodka and he makes a face, feeling the burn down his throat and to his belly, handing it to Phil who takes a swig himself and then shakes his head no more for him. Straight vodka has always been gross and he’s an idiot for thinking that it would have changed. 

Dan takes another drink of the vodka and puts the cap back on, leaning back against the wall. Phil intertwines their hands, thinking of the many moments that they had here in his room and how different it is now- and how different they are now. It’s been a long day, and Phil was sad too but he knew that today was about Dan. Because that’s what Dan and Phil did- when one of them was hurt, the other would drop anything to make the other feel better, whether it meant staying on the phone and listening to Phil fall asleep because living alone was hard, or offering as much chocolate and hugs to a boy who didn’t know what to do with his future yet, or distance when the fight has been dragged out too long and if they say another word they know they don’t mean it- but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. Dan and Phil have always put each other first, even when there was a riff between them, pages torn out of a book about love language featuring: them. 

Dan was a storm while Phil was damage control. Dan needed distance while Phil needed silence. Dan loved being held while Phil liked to be needed. They were broken halves that seemed to fit the other’s broken pieces. 

Phil watches Dan take another shot of the vodka and grabs it from him and places it on the floor. He sits across from them on the bed, they’re staring at each other and Phil holds Dan’s hands. He hasn’t slept much from Phil’s point of view. When they got the news that Callum died Dan didn’t sleep. He didn’t eat. It was his first time losing someone close to him like that. Phil knew how hard it was to lose a friend, his heart broke for the boy across from him. 

Dan stares back at Phil, and he understands why he felt so off at the church. He had grown up listening to people preach about homosexuality, what it meant, why it was deemed “bad” but sitting across from this boy that he had fallen in love with when he was eighteen he couldn’t understand why people would say that. Because the church made Dan feel like he wasn’t good. Or that he couldn’t be loved because of _who_ he loved. 

Of course that wasn’t all of it, Dan was naturally a cynic, he didn’t believe in anything other than cold science and the emptiness of space. 

“I’m thinking about what you said earlier,” Phil talks softly, their hands still intertwined together, Dan listens carefully, nodding his head for Phil to continue. 

“I think sometimes we need to put our trust in something even if we’re putting our trust into something faulty -- otherwise what do we have going for us? You believe that the sun will always rise and always set since it’s a fact. Maybe some day it won’t always rise and set, we don’t know- but for now this is factual enough for you just like a Christian believing that God will come back to earth or whatever analogy that you want to use. I think it’s okay to not have the answers to things, otherwise it’ll drive you mad,” Phil had a lot of time to think about this over the years, when he had his own moments of doubt and questioning, and he’d lay awake at night, but he knew that it was just part of life, everyone went through that, but Dan and Phil were different in that respect. Phil was yes, logical, but he also had a little bit of leg room to offer and was open in that regard to beliefs, he never bothered to put labels on things because he didn’t need it, he was comfortable. Yet Dan believed in straight logic, but he was driven by emotion and how things made him feel was important to him, it was like the root to everything for him. He liked labels, he liked knowing, he liked having plans and sticking to those plans, he didn’t like when things changed, even if it was for the better, and he didn’t like the fact that there were things that cannot be answered because that means it cannot be controlled. He liked to be in control and the thought of lacking control terrifies him. 

“For instance, I’m not sure entirely of what I believe in, but I do know that I want to live a long life and I think that I will,” Phil leans over now and presses their foreheads together, and Dan is still trying to process everything that Phil has said, but he welcomes the closeness. “I believe in you. I think that’s enough for me,” 

Their nose nuzzle each other’s, Dan staring into Phil’s eyes and he nods his head. He can agree to that. Because if Dan were to believe in something he’d believe in Phil, and he knows that it’s faulty, but when you make homes out of people it’s bound to happen. He liked to think that him and Phil had made a sturdy foundation, something that could last. His family life may be a little broken, and he might have brought some of that brokenness to the relationship when he was younger, and they had spent years rebuilding from all the hurt in both of their lives, they were better now. Because from what he knew of love in the beginning was his mother’s trust issues that seeped into his body when Dan and Phil were laying together, surely, Phil couldn’t hold Dan forever? Or his father’s silence that hung on his tongue during long days and arguments, Phil would talk to him again wouldn’t he? 

Time and time again Phil had proved whatever expectation he had wrong and made Dan’s life a little better, and it was training his mind that not everyone grew up like he did. Because he knew that his parents loved him, and he was happy that he had gotten to go on the amazing trips that they did, but there were times when it was bad, and he knew he hurt them when he dropped out of college. 

“I believe in you too,” Dan replies after moments of silence, and he means it. 

Wherever Callum was he hoped that it was beautiful. He hoped that it was everything that he was told as a kid going to church every Sunday morning. He could respect that Callum believed that he would end up somewhere- he just hoped that it was somewhere good. 

Dan and Phil turn the light off and lay down in the small bed, and Phil holds Dan against his chest, but Dan places his hand against the back of Phil’s neck to kiss him. When they kiss Dan doesn’t taste god on his lips, and it’s nothing heavenly or magical, but it’s pure and innocent, all the things that Dan thought that he wasn’t. Their lips move together softly and slowly, the questions that Dan wonders fall of his lips and he thinks if he were to have a heaven, it would be here.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic because December is a hard month for me, I've lost someone a couple years ago and it was sad but it happened and I like to think he's better off now, so I suppose this was me venting what I think and it's loosely based off a conversation I've had with several people about religion and what it means to them. I hope it was alright. 
> 
> Comments/Kudos are appreciated.


End file.
